… family did not come first.
I was raised with the understanding that family comes first, that the world revolves around your loved ones. This was all fine and good, but in a large, Hispanic and Catholic family, the expectations are far greater. You’re expected to love, honor, and respect your aunts, uncles, cousins, and distant cousins as you would your immediate family. Again, a common principle amongst most families, but challenging when that array of extended family members, although well-meaning, don’t always make life-long best friends.
What followed was a heated family feud that grew far beyond just a couple of members. Although ten years have passed, the specter of that time remains. |
This became very clear to me in my early adult years, particularly in the months prior to my wedding. My fiancé, now my wife, and I agreed early on that we were not going to have a standard wedding. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, no bridal showers, and the like. This was anathema for some of my extended family members who wanted to step in and do something.
A little storm brewed amongst some of my female cousins and my sister, who wanted to plan a gathering for my fiancé. About two months before our wedding, my fiancé received an e-mail from my cousin, which detailed my sister’s e-mailed request to said cousin to quit trying to take over. My cousin sent it to my bride-to-be as a warning, cautioning my fiancé about what kind of family she was marrying into. What followed was a heated family feud that grew far beyond just a couple of members. Although ten years have passed, the specter of that time remains.
I realized the dangers of dwelling on the larger family problems and issues. In fact, starting my own family essentially gave me permission to let them all go. |
In those months following the e-mail scandal, I had some of the harshest words I’ve ever had for people I grew up with and loved. Or at least were commanded to love per our family obligations. As I eventually grew up and went deeper into my relationship with my wife, forming our own family, I realized the dangers of dwelling on the larger family problems and issues. In fact, starting my own family essentially gave me permission to let them all go.
Sure, I still love my family—all of them, and I know I can never give them up. What I can do is let them be who they are, and love them for that. There is no requirement for all of us to be best friends. Those relationships take time to develop, and only minutes to destroy, as we will always remember.
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Photo credit: Robert Couse-Baker.
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